Unsettled

Have you ever been there? Where there is a knot in the pit of your stomach? There is a heaviness in your heart, but you're not sure what it is. You think back but you can't come up with anything?

That was me about a month ago. I had felt a very heavy spirit. I was in a spiritual slump...lost for words of encouragement...scripture slipped my tongue...couldn't settle down for routine prayer...

It hit me on a Sunday morning at church. Another great pastor and a big chunk of church were leaving our congregation to plant a church in our sister city. I knew this was the plan, but when I saw the team on stage, I realize just how big the team was and I couldn't help but to cry and feel as though if I were being abandoned.

You see, for the past eight or nine months, our church has been sending the best of our congregation to plant churches in Zambia,  Atlanta, and then the one leaving to our sister city.

The pastoral teams leaving our church were essential to our church, and have been there for us in our time of need, but now, they are leaving huge gaps.

It hit me that Sunday, and I felt as if I were personally being abandoned. That's when I realized that this had been my burden. All along, I had been praising God that our church is branching out and it would reach people in Texas, Georgia, and Zambia. I wanted to convince myself that everything would be fine and that the Lord will raise our church, and raise those to be planted....

But I finally had to admit that I was hurt. The people I counted on for spiritual support and guidance, my friends, my community, my church family...they were leaving. As I allowed my tears to flow, I began to understand that my spiritual slump was actually my spirit grieving the great loss.

Our senior pastor, one of the greatest pastors I know, prayed over me and with pain in his voice let me know he was hurting also. I cannot imagine his pain.  I was so consumed with my own feelings that I failed to see the overwhelming pain in others.

All of a sudden, I realize why I was so unsettled. Because while I praised God, I didn't trust Him. I knew I had to change the way and who I prayed for. My focus had to change from me to them.  My heart had to pray for the teams that were leaving; pray for spiritual wisdom, courage, strength, passion, protection, and provisions. That they continue to be on fire and also ignite that spiritual fire in people who will come to know the Lord, and that their words and actions please the Lord.

I also had to pray for our pastor and his wife who remain here. That the Lord continues to bless them with their spiritual and leadership gifts. That the Lord raises a stronger church. That He may prepare our hearts and prepare my heart for the next church planters to come!

Today, I feel a little better. And although planting a church is not a small thing, letting go is {not easy, but small in comparison}. Giving in to the will of God has made a world of a difference to my heart.

Are you holding on to something small that can make a big difference?

Verse of the Month

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take."

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Join me and many others for more encouraging words with Holley Gerth at  Coffee for Your Heart  or join me at asoftgentlevoice.blogspot.ca

Love and Blessings, Bea 

Love Letter

An Open Love Letter For You (I will post this the entire month of February)

     I would like to start off by letting you all know that even though we may not talk to each other often, I still think of you and I pray for you.

     This year I will be on my second year of the fourth decade of my life.  I never thought I would love being in my 40’s, but I would not take years away from my age, my experiences, my knowledge, or my body.  My age is a reminder of the blessings the Lord has allowed me to enjoy.  He has wonderfully and gracefully allowed me another year of life to enjoy love, to fulfill, to struggle, cry and to laugh.  My experiences are many, and the lessons have not always been the most enjoyable, in fact, my lessons have been some of the hardest lessons people on earth can endure, but I carry them as guides and tools for my future.  I have learned, matured, and moved on.  These experiences go hand in hand with my knowledge; I am that much wiser.  To repeat a bad experience is not to have learned from the lesson, but to avoid that path or help someone not walk through it is gain.   

     

     My body is a beautiful reminder of the two children I have given birth to, the endless hours of school work, the stresses of life, the rich foods I thoroughly enjoy every day of my life.  It is also a reminder of my younger years, late nights with too much fun and too little rest and too little of God.  The wrinkles on my face show the joy and happiness in my life, real genuine content and satisfaction of where I am at, exactly where God has placed me.  My grey hair is in full bloom, and I am ok with it.  I don’t know if I will ever dye it again, but for now, I will enjoy the full splendor of the white throughout my brown locks of beautiful hair, perhaps thinning, but nevertheless beautiful.  I have grown, literally, to love, appreciate, embrace, and care for my body.  To see it how God sees it; a wonderful masterpiece of love, grace, and tenderness.  My body is a place where my children lay their heads when they are tired, it is what they hug when they need comfort, and it has the warmth of the love they need every single day.  It has just the right amount of strength to play with my dogs when they are playing rough and to clean the house an entire Saturday.  It is building the endurance to run more, and the will power to eat better.  

      Through my journey, I have hurt many people and I think I have made peace with them all.  I have also been deeply wounded, and even though forgiveness has not been sought, I have forgiven everyone everything.  I have also learned to be more compassionate, meek, loving, understanding, and wiser, oh yes, wiser.

     I have also been blessed with the knowledge of God …not just that He is God.  I really know who He is, what He wants of us, why He has created us, for us, and in us, how He has forgiven us and the deep love He has for us. How He means every single word He has ever spoken, and how He remains the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  It is because of Him that I am able to live 42 years, and know all this.  It is because of Him that I am able to make peace with myself, my past, my experiences, and my body.  It is because of Him that I feel absolute peace and joy even in the midst of my daughter’s brain surgery.  It is because of Him that I know I did not know anything, and I have nothing, and yet because of Him I have everything.

     Today, I can look anyone in the eye and speak clearly, without fear, without holding back, without trying to be someone else, without trying to impress.  I do not owe anything to anyone, there are no shackles on me, there is no debt I can not be freed from.

     My desire is that you know I have learned to accept and to give love in an unconditional manner.  God is the reason for all this, and because of all this I am able to love you more and beyond. Love is a powerful word that has action attached to it; love without action is worthless. That is why I am acting and speaking so boldly.

      So, if you have read this very intimate letter of love, know that I do. Even better than that, you are greatly blessed, highly favored, and deeply loved (one of my favorite Christian phrases), by our Father, God Almighty.

Verse of the Month

                
  John 15:13 "There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." 

As Jesus prepared for His undeserved death, He taught us how to love through His teachings and actions. We do not necessarily have to lay our lives down for others, but, like Jesus also taught us, by feeding the poor, loving the undesirable, helping the widow and the fatherless, and visiting the sick. There are so many ways in which Jesus showed us how to love. Be bold and love unconditionally.

Join me and many others for more encouraging words with Holley Gerth at  Coffee for Your Heart  or join me at asoftgentlevoice.blogspot.ca

How have you been encouraged to love boldly?

Love and Blessings, Bea 

You Are Not Alone

When I was a little girl, I use to think that I had a normal life UNTIL I knew everything, you know that age group...my teenage years! That is when I made up my mind that I had a dysfunctional family. There was alcohol abuse, family neglect and abuse (verbal and emotional). It was my normal, but then again, I was at an age where I knew it was not normal. I love my family deeply, all of them, even my extended, crazy, family.  It was all I knew. 

As a young teenager, I began to get in trouble, seeking the attention I lacked at home. Not always the kind of trouble you get caught doing, but things I knew I should not be doing. The make up, the wrong friends, the boyfriends, the ditching school. Then, there were the trouble I got into and got caught...the make up, the wrong friends...you get the picture. Of course, I denied it all and talked my way out of almost everything. Other than expulsion from a junior high, and a couple of other school suspensions, I was lucky not to get into some real trouble.

 Don't get me wrong, I was well taken cared for. I always had a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and clothes on my back, but I missed a very big part of every kids life.  My mom is a beautiful, nurturing, loving person, to this day.  She loves with all of who she is.  But the guilt she felt over our home life allowed for leniency in our discipline and we were allowed to do things that I wish we had not been allowed, like going to parties, at a young age. I believe because of this, I sought approval from everyone else, specially on my beauty. I made a conscious decision that I would be noticed, and liked, by everyone. I felt that my life outside of my home was the price my parents were going to pay for putting me through such a hard childhood. I made that choice. I knew it clearly. I spoke it, and I was going to live the big, party, friend filled lie life.

As I mature in God, I can see things very different. I could have made wiser choices. Though my upbringing was a little tough, I still knew right from wrong, but I felt entitled to my "happiness" at any cost. So, although I was misguided by my own interpretation of what my life should of been, I still knew there were other choices, but at the time, I felt that I was owed a different life. I took advantage of my situation, in the wrong way. 

It was not all my fault, though. I was a child, and I was angry, and I took the easy way out. I can see that now. I was lost. And you know what big part of every kids life I was missing? God. The only one who fills in the missing pieces when everyone else falls short, by our nature. When I felt alone and unloved, I didn't realize God was there to love and comfort me.

Our perception of life is our reality. That may change through our experiences and lessons learned. Knowing God has allowed the real healing of my childhood, which I have some accountability on. Our feelings and emotions are very sensitive, and they change from season to season, and sometimes from day to day. Nothing is set on stone (except God's Holy Word). Nothing we say or do is "forever," or "never." Have you noticed that? When I began to write today, my intentions were to write about my victim-role childhood story, but as I took a hard look at my life, it turned out to be a confession of owning my part. Believe it or not, even with the shame, I feel better, or should I say FREE! I can move forward with life, and know that I do not have to hate, or blame, or point the finger at anyone.  The only one who is truly to blame was and is the enemy, who distorts reality and destroys families.

I know this is so cliche but I believe that everyone (for the most part) does the best they can with what they have.

So, here it goes. I confess. I made huge mistakes up until I began my serious walk with God. And like most people who have been hurt, I refused to see my mistakes and take responsibility. But I accept that I was thoughtless and my decisions were not always the best ones, in fact, they were down right WRONG! I thank God that He has given me new life, I am born again, I am a brand new creation in Jesus Christ. Perfect. Mercy. Love.

 2 Corinthians 5:17 "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"

I have felt alone in my struggles most of my life. But as I go through life I realize that everyone has a story, a struggle, whether it is a "dysfunctional" family (as I was sure mine was!), an addiction, abuse, I realized that I was not alone, and you are not alone, in fact, you were never alone. From the day we are born, to the day we die, He is with us, whether we know it or not. 

Matthew 28:20 "...And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

Thank you God, for a wonderful, adventurous, and great life. I did not deserve it, but you gave it to me anyways.

Join me and many others for more encouraging words at holleygerth.com for  Coffee for Your Heart  or join me with Rebekah A Hughes at asoftgentlevoice.blogspot.ca

Love and Blessings, Bea