You Are Not Alone

When I was a little girl, I use to think that I had a normal life UNTIL I knew everything, you know that age group...my teenage years! That is when I made up my mind that I had a dysfunctional family. There was alcohol abuse, family neglect and abuse (verbal and emotional). It was my normal, but then again, I was at an age where I knew it was not normal. I love my family deeply, all of them, even my extended, crazy, family.  It was all I knew. 

As a young teenager, I began to get in trouble, seeking the attention I lacked at home. Not always the kind of trouble you get caught doing, but things I knew I should not be doing. The make up, the wrong friends, the boyfriends, the ditching school. Then, there were the trouble I got into and got caught...the make up, the wrong friends...you get the picture. Of course, I denied it all and talked my way out of almost everything. Other than expulsion from a junior high, and a couple of other school suspensions, I was lucky not to get into some real trouble.

 Don't get me wrong, I was well taken cared for. I always had a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and clothes on my back, but I missed a very big part of every kids life.  My mom is a beautiful, nurturing, loving person, to this day.  She loves with all of who she is.  But the guilt she felt over our home life allowed for leniency in our discipline and we were allowed to do things that I wish we had not been allowed, like going to parties, at a young age. I believe because of this, I sought approval from everyone else, specially on my beauty. I made a conscious decision that I would be noticed, and liked, by everyone. I felt that my life outside of my home was the price my parents were going to pay for putting me through such a hard childhood. I made that choice. I knew it clearly. I spoke it, and I was going to live the big, party, friend filled lie life.

As I mature in God, I can see things very different. I could have made wiser choices. Though my upbringing was a little tough, I still knew right from wrong, but I felt entitled to my "happiness" at any cost. So, although I was misguided by my own interpretation of what my life should of been, I still knew there were other choices, but at the time, I felt that I was owed a different life. I took advantage of my situation, in the wrong way. 

It was not all my fault, though. I was a child, and I was angry, and I took the easy way out. I can see that now. I was lost. And you know what big part of every kids life I was missing? God. The only one who fills in the missing pieces when everyone else falls short, by our nature. When I felt alone and unloved, I didn't realize God was there to love and comfort me.

Our perception of life is our reality. That may change through our experiences and lessons learned. Knowing God has allowed the real healing of my childhood, which I have some accountability on. Our feelings and emotions are very sensitive, and they change from season to season, and sometimes from day to day. Nothing is set on stone (except God's Holy Word). Nothing we say or do is "forever," or "never." Have you noticed that? When I began to write today, my intentions were to write about my victim-role childhood story, but as I took a hard look at my life, it turned out to be a confession of owning my part. Believe it or not, even with the shame, I feel better, or should I say FREE! I can move forward with life, and know that I do not have to hate, or blame, or point the finger at anyone.  The only one who is truly to blame was and is the enemy, who distorts reality and destroys families.

I know this is so cliche but I believe that everyone (for the most part) does the best they can with what they have.

So, here it goes. I confess. I made huge mistakes up until I began my serious walk with God. And like most people who have been hurt, I refused to see my mistakes and take responsibility. But I accept that I was thoughtless and my decisions were not always the best ones, in fact, they were down right WRONG! I thank God that He has given me new life, I am born again, I am a brand new creation in Jesus Christ. Perfect. Mercy. Love.

 2 Corinthians 5:17 "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"

I have felt alone in my struggles most of my life. But as I go through life I realize that everyone has a story, a struggle, whether it is a "dysfunctional" family (as I was sure mine was!), an addiction, abuse, I realized that I was not alone, and you are not alone, in fact, you were never alone. From the day we are born, to the day we die, He is with us, whether we know it or not. 

Matthew 28:20 "...And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

Thank you God, for a wonderful, adventurous, and great life. I did not deserve it, but you gave it to me anyways.

Join me and many others for more encouraging words at holleygerth.com for  Coffee for Your Heart  or join me with Rebekah A Hughes at asoftgentlevoice.blogspot.ca

Love and Blessings, Bea